literature

Eyes of Mist 1

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Chapter 1 – Peaceful Days



Tamaril raised his head and ran his hand through his thick white hair. He laid down the quill  next to the book he had just been writing and stood. It was seldom that he stopped writing. He had ceased to feel the need for sleep or food a long time ago. It had been at about the same time when he had stopped being what he had been born as. His memories of these times were only fragmentary, images at best, emotions that seldom surfaced in his consciousness when he laid aside the quill and went into the forest.

The forest, strangely enchanted by the power of the unicorn. This place made him what he was. What he was... He didn't even know what he should call himself. His features were still those of the sixteen-year-old boy he had been when he first arrived here. But as time passed he seemed to become unreal himself. He thought he remembered to have had dark hair once. Now it was a silvery-white like almost everything here. His light blue eyes were an exception though the silver had already started to shimmer in them. Silvery-white like the trees, the leaves, the forest ground. Silvery-white... like the unicorn.

He knew that there had once been a unicorn in these woods. It had talked to him... or had that been a dream? However, it was no longer here and he had stopped looking for a way out of the forest a long time ago. He had found a new sense of life when he began writing. He wrote of war, good fortune in battle, and of despair. When he laid pen to paper he forgot himself.  It was not his thoughts he wrote down however, but the story of the world out there unobtainable to him. Somewhere poeple were fighting for their lives, but writing about their trials stopped affecting him a long time ago. Despite this, he never stopped writing. He desperately clung to his last link to a world he may have once belonged to.

Sometimes he asked himself if time passed when he stopped writing or if history itself waited for him to take the quill. At least it seemed to him as if no time had passed at all, as if the entire world had paused with him.

Sighing he returned to the pitch black desk, the only thing that wasn't gleaming white, and once more took the quill.

"Who knows," he whispered softly, "maybe I'm even the Lord of Time."

**********

Dew gathered on the delicate leaf of a maranfa bush and fell to the ground when Ayala's finger tapped against it. Her long dark hair fell into her hazel eyes as she bent down to pick up some of the leaves and she shoved it back with an annoyed gesture.

Jara wouldn't be pleased that she wasn't back yet. She had departed at dawn to gather the valuable plants but it seemed there were hardly any this year. She had been looking for them almost all morning, but in vain.

It didn't exactly help that she still didn't know the valley by heart as it had been with the woods near the farms were she grew up. She had been here for no more than half a year and could still remember the day she entered the village Jara lived in, surrounded by curious children. Her mother knew of the old healer  and sent Ayala to live with her and learn the art of healing. The village was a place of refuge, one of many mountain villages where women and children from the northern regions of Falamar, where the fighting was worst, were sent. Healers were always needed there.

That had to be what she was meant for. Still, she wasn't sure whether or not she should welcome her parents' decision to send her away. She missed her home, her friends. Most of all she missed Marilo, the boy she grew up with. She used to call him her Sako, her brother. The memory brought a smile to Ayala's face.

She had learned a lot since, much of that painfully. Jara wasn't the most patient woman alive and Ayala, who had only known the protected life with her parents, found herself in a place where she had to take care of herself.

Well, if it had to be like that she would come along, she promised herself. She wouldn't give in because of this strict Jara. And somewhere there just had to be these annoying maranfas. Ayala's gaze wandered over the tree-covered slopes and caught a small treeless hollow closer to the rocky top of the mountain. She remembered being shown the valley by Jara a few weeks ago. During this tour, they had stopped close to the summit to rest. Ayala dimly remembered having seen a lot of plants around the Summit.

The ascent would take some time but it was better than returning to Jara now with the pitiful amount she had. Ayala sighed again. Jara was a kind woman at heart but she was often very harsh towards others.

The higher she climbed the freer the girl felt. When she reached a small level area she turned around and allowed her gaze to wander. In front of her she saw the valley widen towards the east before leading to the Great Plain of Falamar that her people were allegedly named after.

The land stretched gently over green hills in which numerous lakes, or sulians - as they were called in the ancient language of the Falamar - were embedded like sparkling sapphires. The plain extended further east, accentuated by sunny woods, until it reached  the shores of the Old Sea, Lanoar.

Ayala had never seen the sea that formed the eastern and southern border of her home country, but she had heard many stories of the beaches and rocky cliffs at the outer rim of Plain Falamar. She just had to close her eyes to imagine hearing the rushing of waves that brought news in a language only those who listened with their hearts could understand.

Actually she hadn't been in many places of her own country, Ayala realized. She had neither caught sight of the proud battlements of Triannar, the capital of Falamar to the south, nor laid her eyes upon the mighty river Armasin in the north. And concerning Armasin it was probably better this way. For on the far side of the river there was the territory of the Shakaree.

The Falamar rarely spoke of it. They called it the Nameless Lands, where only evil existed. It was whispered that the land seemed to be dead. A swamp where everlasting fog drifted through rotten trees making wanderers loose their way and inevitably drive them into the arms of the Shakaree... or to the more merciful fate of a cold death in the black water. A land that was as deadly as its inhabitants.

Ayala shivered at the thought of the horrors that surely happened in the border region. She had heard others talk about the fighting and couldn't or rather didn't want to imagine what might be going on there in detail. But since Marilo joined the army two years ago, every so often her thoughts wandered to those fearful things she used to push aside so easily. Marilo, a few years older than her, had always watched out for her when she was a little girl. Now he was far away and might never come back.

Ayala reprimanded herself. Of course he would come back.

Looking up to the summit once more Ayala hurried to cover the distance to the hollow. At close range it didn't look as green and inviting. The plants she had remembered actually struggled upwards scantily amidst sharp stones and barren ground. But they were still there. Bending to the ground Ayala made her way through the rocks and snatched up as many maranfas as she could get.

A few moments later she was on her way down into the valley, taking the small bundle of maranfas with her. Even if Jara was going to be mad at her, it didn't matter. She'd find her way, she thought with a little smile.

**********

Tamaril smiled. He wasn't aware of it but in truth it had been a long time since his features had last worn an expression different from the everlasting sadness in his eyes.

This strange girl had entered his story some weeks ago. Given that he had only written about the fates of great lords and commanders in the war between Falamar and Shakaree so far, he had been quite surprised. So what was a young girl doing in his recordings over the Great War?

Tamaril realized he actually didn't care as long as he could still write about her, experience her carefree life and maybe even be a little happy with her.

Tamaril smiled.
Aaand introducing two of the protagonists.

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© 2010 - 2024 Steffel
Comments8
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WoodscourtBooks's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

Hello! I read your prologue quite a while back, and then lost track of time (I'm so sorry about that!), but I've returned at long last to continue feedback.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletred:" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> First, I want to express my admiration for your solid world structure. Within the first chapter, you've shown that you know your world well. I also appreciate that you don't overdo showing that world, like many authors proud of their worlds are prone to do.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletred:" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> Your first scene is a good one, intriguing, well-structured and mysterious. Not much is told, but there's a feel of foreshadowing that's comfortable. The only issue I have with the first scene is the single line of dialogue:

"Who knows," he whispered softly, "maybe I'm even the Lord of Time."

--This just feels jarring. My thought when he said this was, 'Huh?'' and I had to go back two paragraphs to figure out why he draws that conclusion. 'Oh, sure, he thought time might stop at his whim', but why "Lord of Time"? I'm not saying this is wrong, just...jarring. You might consider a more subtle thought, 'Who knows," he whispered, "maybe I do command time." Now, if the "Lord of Time" is a familiar element to the story, a recurring theme that any character might consider being in this situation, then my thought here is irrelevant and you can throw it in the trash. It's too early to say, but I wanted to give my initial impression.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletred:" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> Your second scene, featuring Ayala, does much to expand your world, telling of the local and distant struggles and hardships, and through the eyes of a character. That's well played. The only issue is, while interesting, this chapter does "tell" much and even "show" much without "doing" much. Tamaril is writing and pondering. Ayala is wandering, collecting and pondering. No action (which doesn't have to be life-threatening) to draw in the reader. Your prologue will help with that, but you might consider expanding your first chapter to encompassing any action you intend to pursue, say, in the following chapter. Just something to consider.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletred:" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> I really like your last scene. It's still mysterious, but lets us know on some level that these two characters are connected. That ties your world together even more, letting us know that they are bound to impact one another. Great technique! There's also a lot of questions posed here, in a very good way. Questions like, "Wait? Tamaril is writing about Ayala?" Followed by many half-formed theories. Another excellent technique.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletred:" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/>You have some lovely imagery throughout! I can't comment on dialogue, as there's only one line so far, but your descriptions are good. I've got clear images of both characters, so points there as well.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletred:" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> I'm not positive where this story is going, but you've definitely got a direction and already I trust that it's well thought out. There's already a great sense of world conflict. Looking forward to more.